If I Don’t Know You…Don’t Ask Me to read your Crap Book: Part 2

I’m disheartened that I’m writing this blog post at all.

I’ve gotten a slew of poorly crafted emails from obvious (overseas) PR firms asking me to review, or do pre-reviews, of random self-published authors’ new books…all popping on the scene next year.

Can I just say, or plead, if you are a self-published author please don’t use these PR firms to accumulate reviews for your book! (You’re wasting your money, you know?)

As a writer, you have a responsibility to earn your readership. You can not buy a readership. I will never have a lower opinion (hyperbole?) of you than when I get a poorly written email from an overseas PR firm about your poorly slapped together direct to print, or 99 cent kindle book. There is also zero chance I will ever read your book. In fact, if I were a worse human being I’d start copying and posting these emails to my blog, along with authors’ names and book titles.

But, I’m not that (not quite) bad of a person.

I just sit here, begging, pleading: change your ways, child.


Stop trying to buy reviews, and go out there and earn your audience.

Oh, and incase it wasn’t already 100% clear, I’m not going to read your crap book, with its crap MS cover-art and Papyrus title font. (Seriously, you’ll give some PR firm hundreds of bucks, but you won’t pay an artist? Priorities, my man!)

Also, if I may resurrect the theme of my last blog post on this: I don’t know you. I don’t read books from people I don’t know. This is not to be mean. I don’t have time…especially for those who have no time for me.

If you don’t have the time to get to know me, befriend, network, or reach out to me like a proper human being, then I don’t have time for your book.

Learn to people. Stop trying to buy readers. Write good stories, and get to know good people. There is no backdoor to this.

Some writers spend years circling the house looking for a backdoor in, instead of just taking a deep breath and climbing up the crumbly, unsteady front porch, like the rest of us slobs, to go through the front door. It’s hard to climb the porch, I get it. It seemingly takes forever, the stairs are creaky, rusty nails everywhere…there’s a half deaf old hound on the third step you have to trip over, a hornet’s nest under the broken boards of the forth. But…but, just putting in the work upfront–instead of scheming to find that backdoor, that secret to easy success or quick money–will take a lot less out of you in the end.

Plus, guess who else looks for backdoors into places? Shady-ass people,  thieves…assbutts! You want people to think you aren’t on the up and up, then continue looking for a backdoor. …or sell Amway. Both will limit your professional circle of allies.

Because, the house has no backdoor! You’re going to have to climb the front porch someday anyways, if you intend to have a fair shot at this whole writing thing. Plus, you will need people to not think of you as an assbutt when you get there. Me getting emails for reviews from PR firms makes me think you’re an assbutt!

Or, and just throwing this out there, you could also go home, quit, and clear the yard for those who are willing to make the climb.

Climb, or get out of the way of those who are climbing.

Not trying to be harsh…I just really don’t want to read your book.


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